A Beautiful Blooming

This has been the hardest part of me to try and communicate to others. There are so many reasons I've tried to live in a body that truly didn't feel like my own.

1) I didn't want to let my friends and family members down. I understand, without realizing, we all have expectations of one another. I've let the expectations other have of ME stifle my growth.

2) I truly value my relationships with my friends and family members and it would break my heart to learn that they no longer accept me because I've chosen a new path for my life.

3) I'm scared, sensitive and very vulnerable. As much as I hate to say it, what other people think of me, really worries me. I catch myself trying to live my life soley to live up to what I feel other's expecations are of me. I have lost so many years of exploring who I am because I've been so worried about being the person everyone else needs me to be.

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The portion above was created a few weeks ago. Since then, I've done a lot of research and study about Secular Buddhism and discovered the most beautiful way to interpret this specific fear and how to go about solving the "problem" I feel I have.

I've been seeing this situation in black and white. Like "What will my life be like after coming out of the religious closet?" The above portion was more of a plea to my former life and loved ones to accept the new me. "See me the same, treat me the same. Love me the same." It's been all about outward emotions, actions, changes, attitudes, etc..

As I've been really studying Secular Buddhism or really just Buddhism in general, I've learned that my approach to this situation was actually causing me more fear and angst than necessary. Here's the beautiful insight I realized today.

• As I continue to learn and apply new teachings in my life, I'll start to be at peace with the awakened, new me. As I reflect inward, I'll learn more about the world around me and how to see it WITHOUT a filter. It will be more clear.

• As I make these changes inwardly, the outside me, will transform. This transformation is ALL I need to present to my former life and loved ones. I don't need to explain myself. I don't need to plead for others to love, treat, see the new me the same as the old me. That no longer matters.

• Imagine a flower blooming. It doesn't try to explain its process to those looking at it. It just turns its focus inward, using the elements around in order to grow. Through the slow process, we're able to watch a beautiful blooming. We don't question its process, we just understand it did what was necessary in order to bloom into a bright, lively flower.