To Be a Mother

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

In honor of this special day, I decided to share the essay I wrote about motherhood. I wrote this for my English class last semester. 

To Be a Mother

It’s Monday and I have a full week ahead of me. I have laundry to fold, dishes to wash, a floor to sweep and beds to make. So many thoughts go through my head and I've just barely woken up. I quickly get out of bed and start getting ready for the day. Realizing I don’t have enough time to find socks that match, I grab whatever I can find; warm feet are better than matching feet, right?  My “to-do” list feels never ending and I rarely slow down to relax. Most days, my life feels like a juggling act. Most days, I rarely get a good look at myself in the mirror before I’m out and about running errands. Most days, I forget that I also have teeth and need to schedule myself a dentist appointment. Most days are dedicated to endless episodes of Team Umizoomi, Goldfish crackers, changing diapers, helping with homework, cleaning, tantrums, tears, kisses and giggles. Why? Because I am a mother.

As I look around my house, I see fingerprint smudges on the windows, crumbs covering my kitchen floor and toys strewn around as if a tornado had just blown through my home. How did I get here? Who was I becoming?  I remember in high school when I came to the firm decision that I did not want children. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to get married but that wasn't a decision I cared to make at the time. I wanted a life of freedom to come and go as I pleased. I wanted a career and a social life. I wanted a life that was mine, not one dedicated to someone else. I didn't want to grow up to become the maid, chauffeur, cook, nurse, referee, and counselor. That just wasn't for me.

Thankfully, time has a way of changing your mind. I did, eventually, get married and have children. The life I have now is nothing compared to the life I dreamed of in my youth, it is better. I am the maid, chauffeur, cook, nurse, referee, and counselor to three amazing children and I love it. With my children in my arms, my heart is full.

I remember the wave of emotions I felt when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. My thoughts were just as unstable as my emotions, “I can’t do this! I don’t want kids. I’m not fit to be a mother…...oh, I hope it’s a boy….I wonder how big my belly will get….oh man, giving birth sounds painful! Why does salsa sound so good all of a sudden?”  No matter what I thought or how I felt,  I was going to be a mother; nothing else mattered. As time went on, I watched in horror and amazement as my belly grew bigger. My mind went from worried and overwhelmed to determined and focused. I had read all the pregnancy books, baby proofed the apartment and filled the newly decorated nursery with everything I thought we would need. The only thing to do now was wait for that incredible moment that would change my life. A week before expected, that moment came or rather, he came. On a late, cold evening in the Spring, I met my first child, my first son. My whole world lay swaddled in a blue blanket in my arms. My heart had never felt so much joy. Up until that very moment, it was as if my whole existence was just time wasted until I could grow up and become a mother.

That was almost 10 years ago. I have welcomed another daughter and son into this world since then. Becoming a mother changes your perspective, I suppose.  Now days, all my goals are happily set around my children. My successes and failures as a person are related to what I’m doing as a mother. To be a mother means to relish in the small victories. I feel success when I make cauliflower look like mashed potatoes and trick my kids into eating healthier. I feel success when I hear my children say “please” and “thank you”. I feel success when they can make it the whole night sleeping in their own beds. I feel success when they come to me looking for comfort, love and support. I feel success when they learn they are capable, smart and strong. In a small way, their victories are my victories. In the end, I think that’s why all I’ll ever want is just to be a mother.